/This is my first posting. I have put off doing this because I always feel like I have to do something awesome or I cannot do it at all. How vain is that?!
This is going to act as my diary. I will only share it with a very few people. That way I don't have to edit what I think and say. Maybe if I get some of the guck out of me I can do a shared blog so I can keep others informed.
I am having a hard time. Drowning in sorrow. Joe is now passing, extremely stinky I might add, blood clots, pretty much daily. We know that this is a sign that the cancer is advancing. I feel overwhelmed to deal with this. Funnily enough, part of what overwhelms me is the smell. I trust I will get over that. I know that he will soon be in much pain. That kills me. I feel so helpless. Lynella said to me once that in a way it is much easier when a loved one passes suddenly. At the time I thought she was nuts. I need time to get used to this. But as it goes on and I begin to get a glimpse of how hard it will be I think she has a point.
I cannot imagine how I will be without him. I know I will but I really cannot see it now. It is strange how much a part of me he is. We have almost nothing in common and actually spend very little time together, yet he just is, a part of my soul, a part of my being and I don't know how to be without myself.
That is part of what is killing me. Another very real part is Frito. I carry an enormous guilt. I tried but failed. I had him put down because I could not bear that he was not eating or drinking and yet, he was still moving around. I wonder if I went too fast. If I had just waited one more day that he would have made a turn. I miss him terribly. He was a very, very sweet cat. And yet, as I write this it occurs to me. When I came home from church to get him to take him to the vets to be put down he was over behind the door instead of in the bathroom like he had been for the past week. I thought, oh no, he is getting better and the vet just called and is meeting me at the vets office on Easter no less, to put him down... what if he is rallying. But then, it is more likely he was looking for a dark place to hide to die. I will never know. God knows.
I held him in my lap after the vet gave him the shot and he died. His eyes were wide open. I felt like a murderer. I know it will be the same only much worse when Joe goes. I know I am expected be all strong but I don't know if I can or will. Taking care of Frito that last week was like a dry run. I don't see how it prepared me for anything though, it just showed me how much harder it will be than I thought.
So I was reading in our little devotional book today. Day 21, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Phil 4:13. Do I believe this? Do I really? It talks in the chapter about emptying yourself. Maybe I need to go back and read "Surprised by Joy" again. It really aggravated me that the first illustration was of her talking in front of a group. that is hard but NOT on the same level is knowing how to be without your whole self. It was a very very very small thing really. I try to give grace though and pull out what God wants me to hear, not get caught up in personalities.
Here are the things that jumped out at me"the Lord fills clean vessels" (p162) I ask myself, how clean, how empty of myself am I? Not very, maybe that is why I am struggling so hard. I recognize as i am typing this that part of me doesn't want to empty, I want to pout and feels sorry for myself and throw a temper tantrum. I am angry, angry still. I have this terrible thing in me that gets very angry whenever life does not go the way I would like it to, always have. When I look back on all those times it seems very silly of me but when I am in the middle of it I don't feel silly at all.
Here is another quote: D.L> Moody "If a man is filled with the Holy spirt, then there is no room for the world, then there is no room for self, then there is no room for unholy ambitions and unholy desires, then there is no room for self-seeking and lauding self; but a man will have the mind of Christ had when he is filled with the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:5 "Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God"
Is God adiquate to get me through this? Do I REALLY believe that? Yes, I really do.
Martin Luther, and this is my favorite quote "God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing of him."
John Flavel said "When God intends to fill a soul, He first makes it empty. When He intends to enrich a soul, He first makes it poor, When He intends to exalt a soul, He first makes it sensible to its own Miseries, wants and nothingness.
I can't but He can
