I find myself in a place of deep trust in the Lord but
deep weariness of my soul. It has been and continues to be a long long
long hard journey. It amazes...AMAZES! me how God continually meets me
right where I am at and brings me back to center in Him. Not that it
amazes me that He can but that He is so intimately tender with me.
A
few weeks ago Betty Harding gave me a very nice copy of the new
devotional "Jesus Calling". We have been using it for family devotions
ever since. It was perfect for Joe when he was in the hospital also.
What is so weird is that each day, except one, each devotion hit right
where we were struggling that day. I still haven't figured out HOW God
does that. Maybe that is why He is called God and I am not :-).
So,
yesterday Joe came back from the urologist and told me that they are
sending the tissue sample of the.... now confirmed... high grade cancer
in his bladder, out to another lab for a comparison study. I don't
understand all of that but I think that the whole point is that they are
suspecting muscle invasive which means the next step will probably be a
PET scan to see if the cancer has metastasized.... because it more than
likely will with muscle invasive.
It just makes me so
sad... and sick .. and everything to think of this THING taking over my
hubby. I KNOW, God is in control.... but I am still so very sad. I was
overwhelmed last night and ended up sitting on the couch most of the
night and silently hurting and seeping tears. I don't cry very easy...
it hurts when I do, physically. Joe came and sat with me for a while and I
leaned on his shoulder while I just sat there and hurt. I try not to do
that to him, it is too hard on his heart. He wants to make me feel
better, but I think he needed to cry for a while last night too.
SOOO....
This was this mornings devotion:-- (only it was yesterdays devotion really cause I accidentaly read the wrong one yesterday....)
"REST
WITH ME A WHILE. You have journey up a step, rugged path in recent
days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you
nor before you. Instead, focus our attention on Me,
your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for
whatever awaits you on your journey." (Pg185)
The verse that went along with it that really touched me was Psalms 143:7-8
"Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning.
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk.
For I lift up my soul to You."
God is pretty cute!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Entering In
We ran across a blog called http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com. I was so intrigued with this young girls story, who left the "perfect" American life to live her life in the slums of Uganda ministering to and loving the people that I bought her book "Kisses from Katie" We are reading it together as a family. This morning this is part of what we read. (pg 23)
"...everwhere I look, raw filthy human need and brokenness have been on display, begging for someone to meet them, fix them. And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet, I can enter in. I can enter into someone's pain and sit with them and know. This is Jesus. Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that He enters in, He comes with us to the hard places. And so I continue to enter."
You, know, I think I know a bit how she feels. We don't have the overwhelming poverty here that she sees in Uganda, but we have many hearts full of need and brokenness. Sometimes we just need to sit and hurt with people, to "enter in and know."
We are called to good works in Christ, to suffer with Him, to take up our cross daily... and I think that this is one of the biggest of the Christian "Works" that God has for us, (that we are all so afraid to talk about because we are afraid that someone will think that we are saying that we have to earn our salvation) We are to hurt with those who hurt, grieve with those who grieve.
Why don't we? Because we think we have to fix their problem, (and we can't of course).... or we feel overwhelmed..... or we just don't want to hear because we are too busy with our lives. It is hard to just hurt with someone. But what a gift to that person when we do. I want to be more like that, to be able to just listen to someones heart and let them know that someone hears them. I think we all want that, for someone to actually hear our hearts. Jesus does, always, He lives our pain and sorrow, and joy and victories with us. We are to be His hands and feet, and arms and heart to others.
I want to be more like that.
"...everwhere I look, raw filthy human need and brokenness have been on display, begging for someone to meet them, fix them. And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet, I can enter in. I can enter into someone's pain and sit with them and know. This is Jesus. Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that He enters in, He comes with us to the hard places. And so I continue to enter."
You, know, I think I know a bit how she feels. We don't have the overwhelming poverty here that she sees in Uganda, but we have many hearts full of need and brokenness. Sometimes we just need to sit and hurt with people, to "enter in and know."
We are called to good works in Christ, to suffer with Him, to take up our cross daily... and I think that this is one of the biggest of the Christian "Works" that God has for us, (that we are all so afraid to talk about because we are afraid that someone will think that we are saying that we have to earn our salvation) We are to hurt with those who hurt, grieve with those who grieve.
Why don't we? Because we think we have to fix their problem, (and we can't of course).... or we feel overwhelmed..... or we just don't want to hear because we are too busy with our lives. It is hard to just hurt with someone. But what a gift to that person when we do. I want to be more like that, to be able to just listen to someones heart and let them know that someone hears them. I think we all want that, for someone to actually hear our hearts. Jesus does, always, He lives our pain and sorrow, and joy and victories with us. We are to be His hands and feet, and arms and heart to others.
I want to be more like that.
Thots on Life
So, I decided I will start using this post to share the stuff God is teaching me also. As I said in yesterdays post, I have been really processing the idea of our life here on earth and death and what that all means... not the casual stuff we usually blurt but what it really means deep in our hearts.
When I was called into full time ministry that was huge for me because I had always wanted passionately for my life to really mean something, to be a part of a huge grand adventure. At the time I was "stuck" as a custodian, cleaning for a living, something I hate to do. I never thought I could do what I love the most... art and to serve the things that matter, bringing people to Christ or helping them to grown in Him. Of course, now I am doing both. I serve as a graphic designer for missionaries and Christian workers, helping them to communicate the message of what they are doing for the Kingdom, as well as mentoring women at our ministry church Northwood. It is very fulfilling.
As I look at this I wonder how I could have gotten so stuck in depression over the last year. It is a growing though, a learning of how to lean on God's strength and how to fully trust Him, even when He is taking your life (which is really His) in a life you do not want or did not envision for yourself.
Anyway, in the midst of this I ran across a quote in the book "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. It really said all the stuff I have been thinking about so clearly. This is a passage where the father is explaining his passion for serving to his son.
"Human beings do not live forever, Reuvan, we live less than the time it takes to blink and eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?"
"I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one's life with meaning. that I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here......
Merely to live, merely to exist -what sense is there to it? A fly also lives."
. I am not saying that we earn our salvation, but that I want my life to be one that was worth living, that wasn't just drifted through... that God will say to me concerning the works that He has set for me from the foundation of the world.."Well done! May we all make sure that our lives count for something... for eternity.
Love
Teri
When I was called into full time ministry that was huge for me because I had always wanted passionately for my life to really mean something, to be a part of a huge grand adventure. At the time I was "stuck" as a custodian, cleaning for a living, something I hate to do. I never thought I could do what I love the most... art and to serve the things that matter, bringing people to Christ or helping them to grown in Him. Of course, now I am doing both. I serve as a graphic designer for missionaries and Christian workers, helping them to communicate the message of what they are doing for the Kingdom, as well as mentoring women at our ministry church Northwood. It is very fulfilling.
As I look at this I wonder how I could have gotten so stuck in depression over the last year. It is a growing though, a learning of how to lean on God's strength and how to fully trust Him, even when He is taking your life (which is really His) in a life you do not want or did not envision for yourself.
Anyway, in the midst of this I ran across a quote in the book "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. It really said all the stuff I have been thinking about so clearly. This is a passage where the father is explaining his passion for serving to his son.
"Human beings do not live forever, Reuvan, we live less than the time it takes to blink and eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?"
"I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one's life with meaning. that I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here......
Merely to live, merely to exist -what sense is there to it? A fly also lives."
. I am not saying that we earn our salvation, but that I want my life to be one that was worth living, that wasn't just drifted through... that God will say to me concerning the works that He has set for me from the foundation of the world.."Well done! May we all make sure that our lives count for something... for eternity.
Love
Teri
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