As I look into this New Year a strange thing occurs to me, I
have no fear of the future or what it might bring. In looking back over my life
I realize that since my high school years I have had an increasing subconscious
trepidation of the future that something would or could happen that I would be
unable to handle; a slight dread, a sense of the possibility of impending doom
and an inability to be in control of any of it. And this in fact has been my experience
many years, especially the ones when I was not walking with God. Bad things
just happen.
This may be a strange
thing, my lack of fear, in some people’s eyes in the light of the direction our
country and culture is going coupled with the increasing severity of my husband’s
illnesses and the fact that the doctors are puzzled as to why he is even alive.
My future most certainly contains widowhood and the accompanying loneliness and
loss along with severe financial issues. On top of that my daughter is looking
into the very near future of going off to collage so I will have the whole
empty nest thing to look forward to on top of it all. I ask myself in light of
this why I in fact do not have any fear or trepidation rolling around in my
heart.
Over the past 2 ½ years we have all struggled mightily with
a loss of dreams of Joe and I working together at TECH serving God as his
health issues slowly stripped away his abilities to function and even think
clearly much of the time. We have lived with the continuing fear of him dying
at any time. This year, among other things, we spent three different nights in
the trauma unit, the first one his heart stopped three times before the paramedics
got there. Immediate traumas take a terrible toll upon your soul. The long
drawn out continuously dreading the next one takes a different type of toll; a
long wearing down. Simultaneously my daughter has dealt with increasing
memories of the severe horrific abuse she suffered as a child emerging and we
have dealt with the behavior that accompanied the revisiting of her trauma. On
top of that we all are struggling with forgiveness issues surrounding that. And through it all we are here, separated from
our family who is going through their own crisis’, frustrated not to have them
with us when we need them and frustrated that we cannot be there for them.
BUT THIS IS THE TESTIMONY; in the midst of it all God has
more than met all of our emotional and spiritual needs, and yes, our physical
needs. He has strengthened us internally, He has sent verses time and time
again which meet the exact question or need that we have had at that exact
moment. He has sent people, often the ones we never would suspect, and sometimes
the ones we would, to comfort, to come alongside with encouragement or a
helping hand. He has made a way and made a path most abundantly through every
single dark valley. He has shown Himself to be exactly who He claims to be, our
Comforter, always there, the One who walks through the dark valleys with us,
who never leaves us, who meets our every need, who comforts our weary souls and
give us rest, who provides our needs. At many times I have felt Him carrying me
on His wings as it says in Isaiah, when I just couldn’t do one more thing. He
has sent us friends we did not know we had and grown in us exponentially our
understanding of the body of Christ and what it means to come along side one
another. And unexpectedly God has grown a ministry we never envisioned out of
this very trial as other watch us go through it.
I was sharing with a friend at one point something that God
had taught me through the last crisis. She said, “Well that is good that you
can hear God.” I was astonished and said, “What do you mean, He never shuts up.
It is like a kid with ADD. He just chatters continually in my soul.” Then I
realized how much God has been pouring Himself into me. How much He has been
teaching us, intensely and oh so personally and lovingly.
I am sorry that I have not shared these things with you all
as we went along. Many days I only had enough strength to make it through the
day. I am purposing this year to go back and share many of the cool things God
has taught us.
Wishing you all a wonderful year growing in the Love and
Light of Christ also,
Love
Teri
