Comfort

Yesterday was a rough day. It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get on top of all of the responsibilities in my life. I felt like I was in one of those "Get Smart" episodes where the walls were closing in on me and crushing my brain. By the end of the day my blood pressure was running high and my heart was beating a steady base rhythm in my head. I was so exhausted I couldn't even think.

I always feel guilty when I am not able to be strong. I feel like I let everyone around me down, especially Joe and Brenna, both who need me to be strong for them, and most of all God. I know that the main problem is that I failed to walk in God's strength yesterday. I tried, oh so hard I tried, to do it on my own, but couldn't.

This morning as Brenna and I did our morning devotions I realized that I am just so full of grief there is no room for anything else. God gave me two scriptures. The first was from Psalms 23

"He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul."

In my mind the song by Matt Redman "You Never Let Go"started playing. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB1NJV3rG6k . I AM walking through the valley of death, I have been for a long time now. God showed me day before yesterday that I have had the attitude that I will just endure this valley with His help and someday I will emerge back into the light. That is wrong thinking though. I am walking with the Light, with the Life. In the valley, where I walk so close to Him is where I learn to live and walk in life and light.

It is the second verse that God gave me that really got me though. 2 Chronicles 16:9a  

"The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him." 

 Wow, God is searching to comfort me, to strengthen me. Not to chastise me for being week or for failing to walk in strength, but JUST to strengthen me. Condemnation, it always comes from us, never from God. So I laid my grief down at His feet and climbed into His arms and laid my head on His shoulder and wept. He comforts me. Ps 94:18-20 

"I cried out, “I am slipping!”
but Your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.
When doubts filled my mind,
Your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer."

A Year with NO Fear

As I look into this New Year a strange thing occurs to me, I have no fear of the future or what it might bring. In looking back over my life I realize that since my high school years I have had an increasing subconscious trepidation of the future that something would or could happen that I would be unable to handle; a slight dread, a sense of the possibility of impending doom and an inability to be in control of any of it. And this in fact has been my experience many years, especially the ones when I was not walking with God. Bad things just happen.

 This may be a strange thing, my lack of fear, in some people’s eyes in the light of the direction our country and culture is going coupled with the increasing severity of my husband’s illnesses and the fact that the doctors are puzzled as to why he is even alive. My future most certainly contains widowhood and the accompanying loneliness and loss along with severe financial issues. On top of that my daughter is looking into the very near future of going off to collage so I will have the whole empty nest thing to look forward to on top of it all. I ask myself in light of this why I in fact do not have any fear or trepidation rolling around in my heart.

Over the past 2 ½ years we have all struggled mightily with a loss of dreams of Joe and I working together at TECH serving God as his health issues slowly stripped away his abilities to function and even think clearly much of the time. We have lived with the continuing fear of him dying at any time. This year, among other things, we spent three different nights in the trauma unit, the first one his heart stopped three times before the paramedics got there. Immediate traumas take a terrible toll upon your soul. The long drawn out continuously dreading the next one takes a different type of toll; a long wearing down. Simultaneously my daughter has dealt with increasing memories of the severe horrific abuse she suffered as a child emerging and we have dealt with the behavior that accompanied the revisiting of her trauma. On top of that we all are struggling with forgiveness issues surrounding that.  And through it all we are here, separated from our family who is going through their own crisis’, frustrated not to have them with us when we need them and frustrated that we cannot be there for them.

BUT THIS IS THE TESTIMONY; in the midst of it all God has more than met all of our emotional and spiritual needs, and yes, our physical needs. He has strengthened us internally, He has sent verses time and time again which meet the exact question or need that we have had at that exact moment. He has sent people, often the ones we never would suspect, and sometimes the ones we would, to comfort, to come alongside with encouragement or a helping hand. He has made a way and made a path most abundantly through every single dark valley. He has shown Himself to be exactly who He claims to be, our Comforter, always there, the One who walks through the dark valleys with us, who never leaves us, who meets our every need, who comforts our weary souls and give us rest, who provides our needs. At many times I have felt Him carrying me on His wings as it says in Isaiah, when I just couldn’t do one more thing. He has sent us friends we did not know we had and grown in us exponentially our understanding of the body of Christ and what it means to come along side one another. And unexpectedly God has grown a ministry we never envisioned out of this very trial as other watch us go through it.

I was sharing with a friend at one point something that God had taught me through the last crisis. She said, “Well that is good that you can hear God.” I was astonished and said, “What do you mean, He never shuts up. It is like a kid with ADD. He just chatters continually in my soul.” Then I realized how much God has been pouring Himself into me. How much He has been teaching us, intensely and oh so personally and lovingly.

I am sorry that I have not shared these things with you all as we went along. Many days I only had enough strength to make it through the day. I am purposing this year to go back and share many of the cool things God has taught us.

Wishing you all a wonderful year growing in the Love and Light of Christ also,

Love

Teri

Knowing Him

Here is today's verse. 2 Peter 1:2-3 "Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue,"

I have been learning about Grace and Peace lately. Grace being God giving me the ability to do what He has called me to do, Peace being not at enmity with God but rather His friend, on His team in the battle, not a cessation from strife as we usually think. (I got these definitions from a series of sermons I heard lately.)

 I have been thinking a lot about what it means to rest in God's Peace, to LET His peace reign in me. This verse gives me another clue... "through the knowing of Him.... through an intimate and true knowledge of Him.

Out of old sermon notes this morning I pulled this quote: I cannot make myself grow, I can only create conditions that are conducive of growth." I think Knowing Him is the cornerstone of creating those conditions for growth.

Rest

I find myself in a place of deep trust in the Lord but deep weariness of my soul. It has been and continues to be a long long long hard journey. It amazes...AMAZES! me how God continually meets me right where I am at and brings me back to center in Him. Not that it amazes me that He can but that He is so intimately tender with me.

A few weeks ago Betty Harding gave me a very nice copy of the new devotional "Jesus Calling". We have been using it for family devotions ever since. It was perfect for Joe when he was in the hospital also. What is so weird is that each day, except one, each devotion hit right where we were struggling that day. I still haven't figured out HOW God does that. Maybe that is why He is called God and I am not :-).

So, yesterday Joe came back from the urologist and told me that they are sending the tissue sample of the.... now confirmed... high grade cancer in his bladder, out to another lab for a comparison study. I don't understand all of that but I think that the whole point is that they are suspecting muscle invasive which  means the next step will probably be a PET scan to see if the cancer has metastasized.... because it more than likely will with muscle invasive.

It just makes me so sad... and sick .. and everything to think of this THING taking over my hubby. I KNOW, God is in control.... but I am still so very sad. I was overwhelmed last night and ended up sitting on the couch most of the night and silently hurting and seeping tears. I don't cry very easy... it hurts when I do, physically. Joe came and sat with me for a while and I leaned on his shoulder while I just sat there and hurt. I try not to do that to him, it is too hard on his heart. He wants to make me feel better, but I think he needed to cry for a while last night too.

SOOO....

This was this mornings devotion:-- (only it was yesterdays devotion really cause I accidentaly read the wrong one yesterday....)

"REST WITH ME A WHILE. You have journey up a step, rugged path in recent days. The way ahead is shrouded in uncertainty. Look neither behind you nor before you. Instead, focus our attention on Me, your constant Companion. Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits you on your journey." (Pg185)

The verse that went along with it that really touched me was Psalms 143:7-8

"Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me,
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning.
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk.
For I lift up my soul to You."

God is pretty cute!

Entering In

We ran across a blog called http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com. I was so intrigued with this young girls story, who left the "perfect" American life to live her life in the slums of Uganda ministering to and loving the people that I bought her book "Kisses from Katie" We are reading it together as a family. This morning this is part of what we read. (pg 23)

"...everwhere I look, raw filthy human need and brokenness have been on display, begging for someone to meet them, fix them. And even though I realize I cannot always mend or meet, I can enter in. I can enter into someone's pain and sit with them and know. This is Jesus. Not that He apologizes for the hard and the hurt, but that He enters in, He comes with us to the hard places. And so I continue to enter."
You, know, I think I know a bit how she feels. We don't have the overwhelming poverty here that she sees in Uganda, but we have many hearts full of need and brokenness. Sometimes we just need to sit and hurt with people, to "enter in and know."

We are called to good works in Christ, to suffer with Him, to take up our cross daily... and I think that this is one of the biggest of the Christian "Works" that God has for us, (that we are all so afraid to talk about because we are afraid that someone will think that we are saying that we have to earn our salvation) We are to hurt with those who hurt, grieve with those who grieve.

Why don't we? Because we think we have to fix their problem, (and we can't of course).... or we feel overwhelmed..... or we just don't want to hear because we are too busy with our lives. It is hard to just hurt with someone. But what a gift to that person when we do. I want to be more like that, to be able to just listen to someones heart and let them know that someone hears them. I think we all want that, for someone to actually hear our hearts. Jesus does, always, He lives our pain and sorrow, and joy and victories with us. We are to be His hands and feet, and arms and heart to others.

I want to be more like that.

Thots on Life

So, I decided I will start using this post to share the stuff God is teaching me also. As I said in yesterdays post, I have been really processing the idea of our life here on earth and death and what that all means... not the casual stuff we usually blurt but what it really means deep in our hearts.

When I was called into full time ministry that was huge for me because I had always wanted passionately for my life to really mean something, to be a part of a huge grand adventure. At the time I was "stuck" as a custodian, cleaning for a living, something I hate to do. I never thought I could do what I love the most... art and to serve the things that matter, bringing people to Christ or helping them to grown in Him. Of course, now I am doing both. I serve as a graphic designer for missionaries and Christian workers, helping them to communicate the message of what they are doing for the Kingdom, as well as mentoring women at our ministry church Northwood. It is very fulfilling.

As I look at this I wonder how I could have gotten so stuck in depression over the last year. It is a growing though, a learning of how to lean on God's strength and how to fully trust Him, even when He is taking your life (which is really His) in a life you do not want or did not envision for yourself.

Anyway, in the midst of this I ran across a quote in the book "The Chosen" by Chaim Potok. It really said all the stuff I have been thinking about so clearly. This is a passage where the father is explaining his passion for serving to his son.

"Human beings do not live forever, Reuvan, we live less than the time it takes to blink and eye, if we measure our lives against eternity. So it may be asked what value is there to a human life. There is so much pain in the world. What does it mean to have to suffer so much if our lives are nothing more than the blink of an eye?"


"I learned a long time ago, Reuven, that a blink of an eye in itself is nothing. But the eye that blinks, that is something. A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something. He can fill that tiny span with meaning, so its quality is immeasurable though its quantity may be insignificant. Do you understand what I am saying? A man must fill his life with meaning, meaning is not automatically given to life. It is hard work to fill one's life with meaning. that I do not think you understand yet. A life filled with meaning is worthy of rest. I want to be worthy of rest when I am no longer here...... 


Merely to live, merely to exist -what sense is there to it? A fly also lives."

.  I am not saying that we earn our salvation, but that I want my life to be one that was worth living, that wasn't just drifted through... that God will say to me concerning the works that He has set for me from the foundation of the world.."Well done!  May we all make sure that our lives count for something... for eternity. 

Love

Teri

Sorrow

/This is my first posting. I have put off doing this because I always feel like I have to do something awesome or I cannot do it at all. How vain is that?!

This is going to act as my diary. I will only share it with a very few people. That way I don't have to edit what I think and say. Maybe if I get some of the guck out of me I can do a shared blog so I can keep others informed.

I am having a hard time. Drowning in sorrow. Joe is now passing, extremely stinky I might add, blood clots, pretty much daily. We know that this is a sign that the cancer is advancing. I feel overwhelmed to deal with this. Funnily enough, part of what overwhelms me is the smell. I trust I will get over that. I know that he will soon be in much pain. That kills me. I feel so helpless. Lynella said to me once that in a way it is much easier when a loved one passes suddenly. At the time I thought she was nuts. I need time to get used to this. But as it goes on and I begin to get a glimpse of how hard it will be I think she has a point.

I cannot imagine how I will be without him. I know I will but I really cannot see it now. It is strange how much a part of me he is. We have almost nothing in common and actually spend very little time together, yet he just is, a part of my soul, a part of my being and I don't know how to be without myself.

That is part of what is killing me. Another very real part is Frito. I carry an enormous guilt. I tried but failed. I had him put down because I could not bear that he was not eating or drinking and yet, he was still moving around. I wonder if I went too fast. If I had just waited one more day that he would have made a turn. I miss him terribly. He was a very, very sweet cat. And yet, as I write this it occurs to me. When I came home from church to get him to take him to the vets to be put down he was over behind the door instead of in the bathroom like he had been for the past week. I thought, oh no, he is getting better and the vet just called and is meeting me at the vets office on Easter no less, to put him down... what if he is rallying. But then, it is more likely he was looking for a dark place to hide to die. I will never know. God knows.

I held him in my lap after the vet gave him the shot and he died. His eyes were wide open. I felt like a murderer. I know it will be the same only much worse when Joe goes. I know I am expected be all strong but I don't know if I can or will. Taking care of Frito that last week was like a dry run. I don't see how it prepared me for anything though, it just showed me how much harder it will be than I thought.

So I was reading in our little devotional book today. Day 21, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Phil 4:13. Do I believe this? Do I really?  It talks in the chapter about emptying yourself. Maybe I need to go back and read "Surprised by Joy" again. It really aggravated me that the first illustration was of her talking in front of a group. that is hard but NOT on the same level is knowing how to be without your whole self. It was a very very very small thing really. I try to give grace though and pull out what God wants me to hear, not get caught up in personalities.

Here are the things that jumped out at me"the Lord fills clean vessels" (p162) I ask myself, how clean, how empty of myself am I? Not very, maybe that is why I am struggling so hard. I recognize as i am typing this that part of me doesn't want to empty, I want to pout and feels sorry for myself and throw a temper tantrum. I am angry, angry still. I have this terrible thing in me that gets very angry whenever life does not go the way I would like it to, always have. When I look back on all those times it seems very silly of me but when I am in the middle of it  I don't feel silly at all.

Here is another quote: D.L> Moody "If a man is filled with the Holy spirt, then there is no room for the world, then there is no room for self, then there is no room for unholy ambitions and unholy desires, then there is no room for self-seeking and lauding self; but a man will have the mind of Christ had when he is filled with the Spirit."

2 Corinthians 3:5 "Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God"
Is God adiquate to get me through this? Do I REALLY believe that? Yes, I really do.

Martin Luther, and this is my favorite quote "God creates out of nothing. Therefore, until a man is nothing, God can make nothing of him."

John Flavel said "When God intends to fill a soul, He first makes it empty. When He intends to enrich a soul, He first makes it poor, When He intends to exalt a soul, He first makes it sensible to its own Miseries, wants and nothingness.

I can't but He can